I was going to write about the birds' nest.

The Eastern Phoebe's nest that we have out here at the Power Trailer, which had four nestlings in it, was apparently predated. It's been knocked off the window it was sitting on, the screen was messed up, and all the birds are unaccounted for. I'm really sad; I was looking forward to watching them grow all summer.

EDIT: Upon further investigation, we've come to the conclusion that a bear pulled the nest down and got the little ones. Woes.

I know, I'm terrible at this regular posting thing.

True to my running jokes here on The Hobbit, when asked what's been going on up here, I'll answer "lots and none at all." We've been kept busy with chores--like pruning ten feet into the woods on either side of the road, for a MILE AND A HALF, which needless to say is an ongoing project--to things done on our days "off," which is again to say half-days. We've been to a powwow up on the reservation. I've been trained to run the gift shop alone. Two days ago we went to the International Wolf Center in Ely, MN, about an hour and a half north of here; I got a few good pictures, and just kept thinking about how jealous Willow would be.

We've lost Zachariah now; Dennis is the only man around here. He's going to drown in all the estrogen. Hehe.

Yesterday a returning volunteer, Jenn, arrived from the UK. Thanks to all the European authors I've read growing up, I've had no trouble understanding all her idioms. Knew those books would come in handy someday!

Speaking of books, I treated myself to a bunch of DeLint novels a couple weeks ago. Heidi, I'll have to share them with you when I get back--I got "Promises To Keep," "The Onion Girl," "Spirits in the Wires," and "Wolf Moon." I've read Promises and Onion, both of which are about Jilly, and am about to get started on Spirits. Oh, DeLint. How I love thee.

I also bought myself "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies," which I'll read when I get through with the DeLints. Should be entertaining.

It's been raining here for about two and a half weeks straight. A lot of you probably have noticed by now how badly the weather can effect how I'm feeling; between that and a slight reprimand from a supervisor, I've had some pretty negative headspace for a while. That's mostly why you haven't heard much from me (that and the time constraints). A lot of old demons have been chasing each other around in my head. Will my passion for my work be enough? Am I really any use to anyone? Why do I screw up so much? Is there ever a point where everything stops hurting and starts to get better? Why do I have such little self-control? Why do people who don't try as hard as I do, who don't walk the straight and narrow, seem to catch all the breaks? I mean, c'mon, I've been a damn good kid. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, screw around, try to hurt people, and yet all this virtue seems to get me nowhere. Meanwhile, I see so many other kids who do just sort of dick around getting let off the hook, getting rewarded for bad behavior. Will there ever be justice?

What do I need to learn from all this?

What do I have to do to be worthwhile, to be better?

I know a lot of people are going to be upset to hear me thinking all these things, but I guess it's better than not telling anyone. I miss having close friends around to talk to. The folks here are friendly enough, for the most part, but I'd love to be able to sit down with some of you and watch a movie, tell stories, just hang out. I've had six hugs in a month. That's sort of like starving for me, but without the fun side effect of weight loss.

I'm doing alright, I promise. I'm just, as always, questioning and doubting myself. I'm known enough people who didn't get their dreams to worry. Everyone THINKS that all they'll have to do is be determined enough, and things will work out. That isn't always enough. I'm terrified of being one of those people who only almost makes it. I wish I was taller, stronger, faster, less clumsy. I can only effect change on some of those things.

Almost making it is scarier to me than oughtright failing.

And it doesn't help that I'm just hurting other people by feeling the way I do, either. Don't think I don't realize that.




Anyways, I want to try to end this on an upbeat note. I'm uploading pictures to Facebook now, so you all can go leave specific comments on things. We got some fun shots on and around the bronze wolf statues outside the sanctuary. If anyone particularly wants wolf or bear merchandise--we'll be going back to the sanctuary at some point--let me know, and maybe send me some money. I'll be glad to bring things home for folks. In the meantime, I still have a lot of bare wall space, so send me letters, little doodles, whatever to let me know you're thinking of me. Letters would really help. I miss you all, and I hope everyone is enjoying themselves this summer. I can't wait to catch up with everyone at the end of August!

I got to do laundry today!

WOO!